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Articles In English
What Every Teenager Needs to Know about sexuality
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Today, young people, especially young men
are under constant pressure to conform to the norms of the larger society,
and to express his manhood through loose sexual behavior. To be a virgin in
this day and age is looked upon as a sexual deviancy, while promiscuity and
sexual perversions are looked at as normal. Muslim youth should always be
guarded against such thinking, and steps should be taken to guard their
chastity until marriage becomes a viable option. But what should young men
do, if they wish to get married but cannot afford it? Allah says concerning
them,
"And let those who find not the financial
means for marriage keep themselves chaste until Allah enriches them of His
Bounty." [24:33]
Many means are offered to Muslim youths to
help them to preserve their chastity. Some have been discussed earlier, such
as lowering the gaze, keeping away from anything that induces arousal,
seeking the company of righteous people and fearing the punishment of Allah.
Some other ways are:
Filling one's idle time with physical and
intellectual activities, so that one does not engage in sexual fantasies
that arouses the desire. Physical activity is also a good way to expend
extra energy, and also to relieve pressure.
Practicing voluntary fasting, as fasting
decreases the sexual drive, and brings one closer to Allah. The Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "Those who cannot (marry) should fast,
for it is a means of cooling sexual passion." (Bukhari)
Most of all, unmarried people should
strengthen the religious deterrent within themselves. One good way is to
remember the many verses in the Qur'an warning against zinaa. Also, they can
consider the story of Yusuf, who is the perfect example of the chaste man,
"And she, in whose house he was, sought to seduce him, she closed the doors
and said, 'Come on, O you.' He said, 'Allah forbid! "' [12:23]
Regardless of the consensus of the larger
society, homesexuality is not a sexual norm, or alternative. Islam considers
homosexuality as a sexual deviation leading to a perverted act which goes
against the natural order Allah intended for mankind. It is a corruption of
the man's sexuality and a crime against the opposite sex. Therefore, the
Islamic Shari'ah strictly prohibits the practice of this perverted act,
which is mentioned in many places in the Holy Qur'an.
The story of Prophet Lot's people, who
were addicted to this practice, is the best example. Prophet Lot, alayhes
salam, said to his people, "Verily, you do sodomy with men, and rob the
wayfarer! And practice all wickedness in your meetings." [29:29]
And he said to them, "Of all the creatures
of the world, will you approach males, and leave those whom Allah has
created for you to be your wives? Nay, you are a trespassing people!"
[26:165-166]
But their answer to Prophet Lot,
alayhessalam, was, "Bring us the Wrath of Allah if you are telling us the
Truth." [29:29]
And so Allah gave them the punishment they
deserved, "And We rained on them a rain of torment. And how evil was the
rain of those who had been warned." [26:173]
Because of the danger, and the atrocity of
this crime, Allah has punished the people who committed it by four kinds of
punishments. No people have been punished by all four combined before: He
blinded their eyes, He turned the town of Sodom upside down, He rained on
them stones of baked clay piled up, and He sent against them a sayhah [a
torment and an awful cry].
Just as a person who has a sexual urge
should not satisfy it by committing zina, a person who has this perverted
thought should not act upon it. In order to maintain the purity of the
Muslim society, most Muslim scholars have ruled that the punishment for this
act should be the same as for zina (i.e., one hundred whiplashes for the man
who has never married and death by stoning for the married man).
Some have even ruled that the punishment
of both partners in sodomy is execution by the sword, if they committed the
act by their own choice and agreement. For Ibn Abbas narrated that the
Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "Whomever you found committing
the crime of Lot's people [i.e., sodomy], then kill both partners." (Ahmad)
The unprecedented plagues and the many dangerous diseases that have appeared
in our time such as the fatal AIDS disease, and which are the result of this
immoral crime, show the wisdom of inflicting such strong punishment for this
sin.
Guarding one's chastity also includes
staying away from masturbation. Sexual arousal may drive a person to
masturbation. Such a person should know, however, that the majority of the
scholars consider this practice unlawful. This ruling is based on the Words
of Allah Who says, "Those who guard their private parts except from their
spouses or those whom their right hands possess, for them, they are free
from blame. But those who crave something beyond that, are transgressors."
[23:5-7]
The one who masturbates is considered be
among 'those who crave something beyond that' specified in the verse.
A Muslim should therefore resist this
temptation by avoiding anything that leads to sexual arousal. The Prophet's
advice to the Muslim youth is to seek help through frequent fasting, for it
strengthens the fear of Allah, teaches self control, and cools one's desire.
Unlike the misguided thinking of some
'people of the book', sexual urge and desire is neither a sinful thing, nor
does abstaining from expressing it in a lawful manner, lead to a higher
level of spiritual awareness. Allah created sexual urge in mankind, as it is
the means by which the procreation and continuity of humanity is ensured.
Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, says, "And Allah has given you wives of your own
kind, and has given you, from your wives, sons and grandsons." [16:72]
Sex is indeed a strong driving force in
the human being, which demands fulfillment. Islam recognizes this urge and
never denies it, but regulates it through the institution of marriage. Just
as Islam strictly forbids sex outside marriage, and all means leading to it,
it also prohibits celibacy. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
"Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps
you from looking at women and preserves your chastity. " (Bukhari)
A young man who is physically and
financially capable to marry should be encouraged to do so as early as
possible. The parents of a young woman who is ready for marriage should let
her marry as soon as an acceptable man proposes to her.
It is not enough to tell our children
about the dangers of fornication; we should make it a point to explain to
them the many benefits of marriage. By denying them one set of behaviors, it
then becomes necessary to offer them legal and acceptable alternatives.
Besides being a lawful way of satisfying one's sexual urge, marriage is
considered a form of worship, and the sexual act itself is a good deed for
which the Muslim receives a reward. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa
sallam, said, "And in the sexual act (with your spouses) there is a charity
(you will be rewarded for)." He was then asked, "A man satisfies his urge
and gets reward for it?" He said, "Do you see if he satisfied it in an
unlawful way, would he not get a punishment?" They said, "Yes." And then he
said, "Similarly if he did it in a lawful way, he would be rewarded for it!"
(Muslim)
Through marriage, men and women can find
tranquillity and peace with each other. Allah says, "And among His Signs is
that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may dwell in
tranquillity with them, and He has put between you affection and mercy."
[30:21] Marriage ensures the growth and spread of the Muslim ummah. It
splits the responsibilities of raising the child between the parents, and
tightens the bond between the generations.
When young people become aware of the many
benefits of marriage, they will no doubt look forward to it. The tremendous
task of choosing a spouse for the young man or woman lies more on the
shoulders of their parents, who should know about the Islamic way of
choosing a spouse for their child, and also should inform the child about
the etiquette of betrothal.
Their next responsibility is to inform the
would-be-groom and bride about what is lawful and unlawful, liked and
disliked for them to do on their wedding night and beyond.
When choosing spouses for their children,
many Muslim parents nowadays, look for physical beauty and economical
prowess, and disregard requiring them to have good Islamic character. The
proper choice of an appropriate spouse for one's offspring ensures a good
foundation for the family they will establish.
For this reason Islam pays great attention
to the way one chooses a spouse. In choosing a bride for their son, the
parents should take into consideration his preferences regarding her
physical beauty and character, but most importantly they should seek a
Muslim woman of high moral and religious standards. The Prophet, sallallahu
alayhe wa sallam, said, "A woman is normally sought as a wife for her
wealth, her beauty, her nobility, or her deen (religiousness), so choose a
religious woman and you will prosper." (Muslim)
Similarly, the girl's father should not
postpone nor refuse to marry his daughter to a man who proposes to her, if
he is of sound religion, character and of equal status. The Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "When someone with whose religion and
character you are satisfied, asks to marry your daughter, agree to his
request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on
earth." (Tirmithi)
Before engaging in the search for a bride,
the young man and his parents should avoid certain things:
It is unlawful for a Muslim to marry a
woman who is a mahram to him. Also, he should not propose to a woman who is
actually married; a woman who is in her iddah (the waiting period of the
divorced or widowed woman); a woman whom another Muslim man has already
asked in marriage -unless she has already refused the first or if he permits
him-; a disbeliever, with the exception of Jewish or Christian women; or a
prostitute (unless she has sincerely repented from it). It is also unlawful
for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man.
There are also steps a girl's father
should take before agreeing to the man's proposal. The father should at
least:
Should make sure that the man who is
asking to marry his daughter is of sound religion, and is capable of
supporting her.
Should seek his daughter's consent before
accepting the offer of the proposing man. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa
sallam, said, "A woman who has been previously married has more right
concerning her person than her guardian, and a virgin's consent must be
asked about herself, her consent being her silence." (Bukhari and Muslim)
It is permissible prior to proposal that
the man sees the woman he intends to marry. Jabir Ibn Abdullah, radhiallahu
anhu said concerning his wife, "(Before marrying her) I used to hide behind
a tree to see her." The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "When
one of you intends to marry a woman if he is able to look at what would
induce him to marry her he should do so." (Abu Dawud)
There are, however, rules concerning
seeing the woman, that they both should respect:
The man's intention of marriage should be
sincere. He should not seek to meet the woman until he is satisfied about
her other attributes such as her deen, morality, and character, in such a
way that he is inclined to marry her, and looking at her is for him the last
step toward this decision.
He should first send a woman from his
family whom he trusts, to see the girl and describe her to him.
The girl's father should not allow the man
proposing to her to look at her unless he is completely satisfied with him.
The girl's father should not hide from the
proposing man any serious faults his daughter may have.
The man is allowed to see only the face
and the hands of the woman he intends to marry. If he wants specific
information about her physical appearance, he may send one of his mahram
women to inquire about it, and describe it to him. There is no sin on him to
look intently at her to confirm his desire to marry her.
He does not have to ask her permission to
look at her, it is rather better that he does it without her knowledge if he
can. This way, if for any reason, he changes his mind this will not hurt her
feelings.
Even after the man and the woman accept
each other for marriage and thus are engaged, they should remember that they
are still considered strangers (non-mahram) to each other and that what is
unlawful to the non-mahram is unlawful to them. This especially pertains to:
looking at each other, being alone together, and going out together. Their
relation to each other changes only after the marriage contract is executed.
Both men and women alike look forward to
no other day with more anticipation, than their wedding day. And perhaps no
night can cause more joy, fear and anxiety than their wedding night. There
is, however, ways described by the Prophet of Allah, sallallahu alayhe wa
sallam, to help make the wedding night as pleasant as the wedding day. There
are desirable acts that the couple are encouraged to do on their wedding
night, as well as prohibited acts, which they should avoid.
Desirable Acts
It is a desirable Sunnah that the groom
puts his hands on the bride's head and pray for her. The Prophet, sallallahu
alayhe wa sallam, taught us to say, "O Allah, I ask You her goodness, and
the goodness of the inborn dispositions which You have given her, and I
solicit Your protection from her evil, and the evil of the inborn
dispositions which You have given her." (Abu Dawud and Ibn Majah) The groom
can make this supplication aloud or silently.
It is also desirable that they make two
raka'at of voluntary salah together then invoke whatever supplication asking
from Allah what they wish for themselves. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa
sallam, said, "Verily, affection is from Allah and repugnance is from Satan
who wants you to hate what Allah has allowed to you. So when your wife comes
to you, ask her to make two raka'at with you and then say, 'O Allah, bless
my wife for me, and bless me for her. O Allah, unite between us in good, and
if You separate us, separate us in good." (Abu Shaybah)
The groom is encouraged to please his
bride and treat her with kindness. It is a sunnah that he presents to her
something to drink or to eat. Asmaa bint Yazeed, radhiallahu anha, said, "I
adorned Aisha, radhiallahu anha, for her wedding night, and the Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, came to her side and brought a big cup of milk
from which he drank and then presented it to her, but she blushed and
lowered her head." (Ahmad)
It is permissible that they take off all
their clothes and be completely naked but it is better for them to be under
a common sheet, for the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "Verily
Allah is modest and discreet and He likes modesty and discretion." (Ahmad,
At-Tirmithi and Abu Dawud)
The couple is encouraged to engage in
foreplay before having intercourse. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa
sallam, said, "One of you should not fall upon his wife like the way an
animal does, let there be a messenger between them." He was asked, "And what
is the messenger?" He replied, "Kissing and talking." (Ad-Daylami) This
indicates that the man should seek to satisfy his wife's desires as she
satisfies his.
Before starting intercourse, it is a
sunnah to make the following supplication, "In the name of Allah. O Allah,
keep Satan away from us, and keep Shaytan away from (the offspring) that
which You grant us." (Bukhari)
They are free to have intercourse in any
position they wish, as Allah, subhanahu wa ta 'ala, says, "Your wives are as
a tilth unto you, so approach your tilth when or how you wish." [2:223]
They are free to have intercourse any time
they wish, but moderation is advised and sexual activity should not become
an obsession as it may take over other activities of life. Having
intercourse on the night before Friday is desirable as the Prophet said,
"Whoever makes ghusl on Friday to clean himself from janabah (i.e., after
having intercourse), then left for salah, it is as if he offered a camel in
sacrifice." (Bukhari)
After intercourse, it is desirable that
they take a bath (ghusl) before going to sleep. If this presents a hardship
on them they should perform ablution (wudhu) and can postpone ghusl until
before Fajr salah. If they want to have intercourse a second time, it is
desirable that the man performs wudhu first. For the Prophet said, "If one
of you had intercourse with his wife and then wants to come to her again, it
is better for him to perform wudhu, for it gives him vigor to come again."
(Muslim)
It is unlawful for them to speak to others
about (or otherwise mention) anything that happened between them in
intimacy. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "Among those who
will be in the worst position in Allah's sight on the Day of Resurrection is
the man who has intercourse with his wife, and she with him, and then he
spreads her secret." (Muslim)
It is strictly unlawful for the couple to
engage in sodomy, as the Prophet said, "Cursed is the one who comes to his
wife in her anus." (Ahmad and Abu Dawud)
A man asked Ibn Abbas, radhiallahu anhu,
about one engaging in sodomy with his wife, and Ibn Abbas said, "This man is
asking me about kufr." The Prophet sallallahu alayhe wa sallam has even
said, "Whoever has intercourse [with his wife] during her menses, or commits
sodomy with her, or comes to a diviner, then he disbelieved in what was
revealed to Muhammad." (Tirmithi)
In spite of the fact that some pious women
who are on the innate nature, and refuse to comply, their husbands threaten
to divorce them if they do not obey them. Some men lie to their wives who
are shy to ask the religious scholars about this matter. Concerning this
act, they may tell them that it is allowed, and might even present them a
'proof' from the Qur'an where Allah ta'ala says, "Your wives are a tilth for
you, so go to your tilth when and how you will." [2:223]
But the sunnah of the Prophet, sallallahu
alayhe wa sallam, clarifies what is mentioned in the Qur'an, when he stated
that the man is allowed to approach his wife in any manner as long as it is
in the place of conception (i.e., the vagina). Among the causes of this
crime is to enter the pure marital life with filthy habits of forbidden
perverted acts inherited from the times of jahilyiah, or with a memory full
of pornographic scenes from movies that some had watched and had not
repented to Allah for them.
It is well known that this act is
forbidden, even when both parties agree on it.
It is forbidden for the husband to have
intercourse with his wife during her menstruation and childbirth bleeding,
as Allah says, "They ask you concerning menstruation. Say, that is a harmful
thing, therefore keep away from women during menses and go not unto them
till they are clean." [2:222]
Therefore the husband is not allowed to
have intercourse with his wife until she purifies herself by taking ghusl
after her menstruation stops, because Allah ta'ala says, "And when they have
purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allah has ordained for you..."
[2:222] The seriousness of this sin is such that that the Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, compared it to disbelief.
If a person commits this sin out of
ignorance of the rule of Shari'ah, then there is no blame on him, but if he
committed it intentionally while he knew of the rule, then he should atone
for it. The atonement is either one Dinar or half a Dinar. Some scholars say
the man is free to choose between either sum of money. Other scholars say he
should pay one Dinar if he had intercourse during the first days of
menstruation when the bleeding was heavy, and one half Dinar if it was in
the last days of menstruation when the bleeding was lighter, or before she
took a bath [ghusl]. The value of one Dinar is the value of 4.25 grams of
gold, which he should give to charity.
The woman should not voluntarily fast
before asking permission from her husband, as this deprives him from having
intercourse with her. This of course excludes the obligatory fasting such as
Ramadhan, or when she has to make up for the days she did not fast during
Ramadhan.
The wife should not refuse to satisfy her
husband's sexual need without any legitimate excuse. Abu Hurairah,
radhiallahu anhu, narrated that the Prophet sallallahu alayhe wa sallam
said, "When the man invites his wife to his bed, but she refuses, and so he
spends the night being angry at her, then the angels will curse her until
the next morning." (Bukhari) Therefore, the wife should hasten to answer her
husband's call, complying to the words of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa
sallam, "When the man invites his wife to his bed she should satisfy him
even if she were on the camel's saddle." (Sahihul-Jami') On the other
hand, the husband must take into consideration his wife's disposition if she
falls sick or is pregnant, or is in grief, so that their relation remains in
harmony and to avoid any discord.
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